Here is my entry for the On Fire contest its going to be sort of crazy but here we go...
Flames of Injustice
By Angel of Death
The sounds of the night was attuned with the crackle of the flames that danced with the moon's breath. I lay in my lover's arms, tears holding my eyes hostage, and sorrow consuming my soul. We have been running for hours, hoping we'd be able to escape the death we now faced.
It was dead outside. The owls that howled in the night, spoke nothing buy silence. The crickets that sung night's song, exuded a silent melody. Only the hiss of the fiery personal sun could be heard.
The last cracks of thunder rang out, synchronized with the frantic beating of our hearts. I could feel Anthony's lips on my neck as I cried. He kept humming against my skin, trying to soothe my troubled soul. Death was upon us, ready to engulf us in its fiery flame. I could not be soothed.
Guilt still rested on my heart. If I hadn't met Anthony, love would not have binded us together with its magic. I'd be at home with my family, living up to all the expectations a farmer's daughter has to live up to. If Anthony hadn't laid his beautiful green oceans on me, he'd still be with his family, and Massachusetts wouldn't be out to kill us. As I thought of all the trouble I caused, I began to inch away from Anthony. I couldn't stand for him to try to soothe me, especially when it was my fault that we were here instead of in our separate lives. A farmer's daughter was not allowed to fall for the Judge's son, it was forbidden. Now we must fight together under our lover's eclipse.
Tears burned my cheeks, as Anthony pulled me back into his arms. His warm breath caressed my cheek, drying the hot tears that rained from my eyes, as he kissed me. He hummed a soft lullaby as I stared at the fiery flames.
"Marie, I don't want you to go," Anthony said sadly.
Anthony's sad voice made the fire burning in my soul worsen. I never wanted to see my angel cry. He was my everything, without him, I would have no reason for living. I turned around to look into my lover's soft green eyes. They were full of sorrow and pain that was illuminated by the fire.
"I love you with all my heart Anthony, and you know that. But I must get out of Massachusetts, if I stay here...they'll find me...and they'll execute me...you," I said, crying heavily.
I could feel Anthony's lips on my hair. The soft lullaby that Anthony hummed continued, staying in tune with the cackling of the orange flames.
"Marie I don't care about what is going to happen to me. I love you, and I live only for you. If you were to be...know that I'd never forgive myself. I'm so sorry Marie." Anthony whispered in my ear.
"What do you have to be sorry for Anthony? You have done nothing but love me unconditionally. I should be the one who is sorry, if we hadn't met then..." I started, wiping away the last drops of tears.
"Don't you ever say that Marie! Please, I can't take you hurting yourself like this. I will never regret meeting you, you silly wonderful girl. You resurrected my soul, Marie, you are my everything. If we die, then we will be together in heaven. Love will bind us forever." Anthony interrupted, turning my head to meet his eyes.
"I only pray that God will rescue us. He is our only light in this dark hell." I said, pressing my head against his cheek.
Anthony sighed deeply and continued his lullaby. He fed his soft song with the pain that he harbored in his soul. I placed my lips on his, and kissed him deeply. He kissed me back harder and deeper than I had kissed him.
I unlocked my arms from around my waist and let him place his warm hands on my face. The kiss that we shared was so beautiful, I did not want to let go. Suddenly, the crackling of the flames from the fire broke my sweet reverie, pushing me back into reality. I pulled away from Anthony gently, and looked into his burning eyes. A smile spread across his beautiful face.
"Are you sure you're not a witch? Because you sure bewitched me." he joked half-heartedly.
I smiled back at him, but I could tell it did not touch my eyes. His forehead began to crease and tears began to suppress the flames in his eyes. Suddenly, I heard a noise coming from behind us. I looked up, fear blanketing my eyes. A dark figure emerged from the trees, its shadow illuminated by the orange flames.
"We found them!" a voice yelled.
I watched as orange lights began to fill the air. Smoke caressed my nose, burning my tears. Anthony's hand slipped into mine, pulling me up. We ran through the dark night, using the midnight sun as our guide. Orange followed behind us as we tried to escape.
Suddenly I tripped over something in the dark, and landed flat on my face. Anthony stopped. I could see the white of his eyes staring at me.
"Run Anthony! Run!" I yelled, fear lining my voice.
Footsteps neared me and I could feel Anthony's hands. He searched in the dark until he found what he was looking for. He pulled me up and took me into a warm embrace. I closed my eyes as his lips met mine. Smoke caressed my nose once more, forcing me to open my eyes and break from the kiss.
Two dark figures came towards us and grabbed us up harshly.
Something struck me in the back of my head and everything went black.
*
When I opened my eyes I was in shackles, in a well lit cell. Across from me I could see Anthony. His face was covered with blood and he too was in shackles.
A door opened, letting in the cold morning air. I listened to the sorrow that rained from the sky. I focused on the doorway to find a man standing there. He had on a white wig, and he was dressed in all black.
Two men came in and removed my shackles. Next they went to Anthony and removed his shackles. We were forced out of the cell and into the rain. The two men shoved us down a hill towards a courthouse.
Once we were inside, my heart began to jump. All eyes were on me as I was led down the aisle. We came to a stop before a table where white wigged men sat. They looked at me with angry eyes full of hatred and victory.
"Please let me go! I am not what you think I am!" I begged.
"Silence!" the white wigged man yelled.
"We have people who accuse you of sorcery. In fact, Mrs. Lewis claims that you bewitched her son." another white wigged man explained firmly.
I turned to look at the audience, hoping to meet the eyes of Mrs. Lewis. When I found them they were filled with anger. She glared at me with hatred burning in her soul. The booming voice of a man sprang my eyes back to the table.
"What do you have to say for yourself?" a white wigged man asked.
"I didn't bewitch Anthony. It was love sir. It was just love-the sweetest spell that ever existed. I know it is hard to believe that the son of a judge would fall for a farmer's daughter but...please I am not a witch." I replied, tears filling my eyes.
I noticed Judge Gregory Lewis among the table of wigged men. His eyes bore through me like rays from the sun shining down on the earth. I met his angry gaze, with a pleading one. Suddenly he moved his eyes over towards Anthony, who was being held down by one of the two men that brought us here.
I watched as tears filled Anthony's eyes, and screams broke free from his mouth. His father grew angry and turned his evil glare back on me.
"To prove you are not a witch, you will be set afire." Judge Lewis, explained.
"No!" Anthony yelled, struggling to break free from the man.
"Silence Anthony! You must understand that this is for the good of Massachusetts." his father said angrily.
"You can not take her away from me. She is no witch...I love her father. I love her." he cried.
Judge Lewis ignored his son's cries and then focused on me once more. His eyes were filled with anger but underneath that flame I saw an oasis of guilt.
He motioned for the men to take me away with a pained look on his face.
The eyes of the people began to glare at me as I was forced back down the aisle of the courthouse. Once outside, I looked up at the gray sky and let the final drops of rain caress my face. Knowing that this was the last time I was going to feel rain scared me. New tears formed because of the idea, to hide them, I lowered my head to the ground.
I was pushed onto a platform and angrily shoved next to a wooden pole.
I could hear the victorious shouts, the sad cries, and the crackle of the approaching fire. I could also hear the soft humming of Anthony, mixed with his tears. The lullaby was the sweet melody he hummed to me last night, except this time it was lined with sorrow.
Anthony began to approach the platform, his eyes full of pain. The two men that were posted on either side of the platform, tried to stop him from getting onto the platform. To my surprise, Judge Lewis told them to stand down.
Once he was inches away from me, he pulled my face to his and placed his salt soaked lips on mine. He kissed me from the hallow of my throat to the top of my head.
"I love you, Marie. I always will," he breathed.
His breath tickled my face, I was going to miss that feeling.
"I love you too, Anthony." I said, tears falling from my eyes.
The two men pulled Anthony off of the platform and pushed him back into the crowd. His breath still lingered under my nose, and the taste of his lips still stained my tongue. I was going to miss my sweet angel.
I closed my eyes to lessen the tears that burned my cheeks. I tuned out all the screams and the happy shouts, and listened to Anthony's humming for the last time. It was sweet in a sad way. It reminded me of when we first met. At a town party dancing together around a fire. The soft crackling feeding into our burning love.
Smoke began to caress my nose, breaking me from my sweet thoughts. I opened my eyes to find a man placing the torch on the hay that surrounded me. Anthony's cries began to worsen. I hated to see my angel cry. I gazed into his soft green eyes, and he gazed back into mine.
"Anthony, don't worry. God will be with me as I stand here and look into the eyes of my murderers. He will be with me as I am devoured by the flames of injustice." My words were softly spoken, and tears fell from my eyes.
* I want to thank Sokool and KJ especially for the comments. Thanks a lot!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Wow! Thanks you two!
Kat, I'm really glad that you like my work.
And Ash, I am speechless. Really, I am. You're an amazing writer and to hear this from you makes me want to cry. Thanks for the critique and I hope you had a good day as well.
~Angel
Angel, Angel... *shakes head with frustration* Will I ever be as stunning a writer as you? I can't tell you how often I repeat the obvious: your imagery is magnificent, your words beautiful, your stories spectacular, your characters lovable (well, I'm kind of running out of good words to use so I'll just stop here) and I just hope that some of your talent will rub off on me someday. *smiles dreamily at the thought of writing as beautifully as Angel of Death*
Anyway... I guess I will start the review now...
This, for example, is what makes me so green with envy. I just hope you know that I am very, very jealous of you!
Should be 'but' instead of 'buy'
I think you should have this be two seperate sentences, like so: He was my everything. Without him, I would have no reason for living.
This sentence breaks your flow. Maybe try: Suddenly, I tripped over something in the dark, free-falling into the black abyss that was the earth's floor, my face scraping against the folidge.
This scene happens too quickly. What are Marie's thoughts? What does she think when she sees her lover so bloodied and broken? Give the reader a little more insight here.
Make this so there is two sentences instead of one like so: His breath tickled my face. I knew I was going to miss that feeling.
I love this ending but I feel like you are missing something. Maybe try: ...My words were softly spoken, and tears fell from my eyes as the flames ingulfed me. The last sight I beheld was of Anthony as my vision clouded over, blocking out the pain for the last time. or something like that. Just so you don't leave the reader hangning so much.
~ ~ ~ ~
Well, you already know what I think of your work and I don't think I have to say it again, but just so you know...
Stunning. Magnificant. Beautiful. Perfect. Sorrowful, yet LOVELY!
Continue to write, Angel, and I will continue to be your loyal reader.
Hope you have a good day! =]
Oh my God, Angel! I'm falling in love with your work! First it was the Jane Effect, which I'm still waiting anxiously for the next chapter
. This is absolutely fabulous!
*runs off to your portfolio*
Oh my God, Angel! I'm falling in love with your work! First it was the Jane Effect, which I'm still waiting anxiously for the next chapter
. This is absolutely fabulous!
*runs off to your portfolio*
Thanks Jab, you helped me out a lot.
Hello, there! Thank you very much for entering the On Fire contest hosted by the Instructors. I do hope you enjoyed writing this as much as we enjoyed giving you the opportunity. As promised, here is your complimentary critique! I’ll give as much advice as I can give, if any, and that you will appreciate as much as I like giving it.
Does my formality make me sound tough and scary?
On with the show! I critique as I read; keep that in mind.
This is actually a rule for the comma! I wasn’t entirely sure until my English teacher made it clear for me just…yesterday.
Make this into one paragraph if it isn’t already, and the repetition of Anthony…well, you know how to fix it.
She wasn’t crying in the beginning, which was about two paragraphs previously? This seems a bit abrupt for me.
A semicolon would grammatically be correct in that spot, but it is more common to use a comma there. It’s up to you. ^^
Again, humming is much like talking – it’ll be interrupted when one is crying, sniffing, etc.
I’m still not sure where they are at this point. At home in the den? By a campfire?
Suddenly is a cliché word to use, in my opinion. I usually won’t mind, though, if the situation was…different, more intense. She tripped. Wahoo. I don’t think that’s the right word to use. In fact, don’t use a word at all. Delete suddenly. It may sound better.
I’ve noticed this so far that you don’t place commas when addressing others?
…and grabbed us up harshly…very, very clunky. …and yanked us up from the ground. This is better, but it just gives an idea to replace what you have.
No ellipses! Doesn’t work at all. It drags on the beginning of the scene; elementary, in my opinion. Just join it with the next sentence. It should be fine. ^^
Join these into one sentence so it doesn’t drag. Two men came in and removed our shackles.
I thought there was more than one? Be more specific. Maybe he looked stern, or he had beady eyes, etc.
Maybe his voice was monotonous, or it was gruff. …another white-wigged man explained, his gruff voice bouncing off the wooden walls.
A booming voice sent my eyes back to the table. A much easier replacement, though using this, you could elaborate even more on her reaction or the man’s voice.
There’s suddenly again. Moving one’s eyes doesn’t seem good enough for the word.
He certainly didn’t inherit his father’s toughness…
You either glare or you don’t.
Have you ever tried humming while crying? I have, and I ended up have singing it. XD Humming just doesn’t work.
Interesting story you have here, dearie!
I have some concerns about your characters, your star-crossed lovers, if you will. They’re both…cry-babies. Forgive me, but I didn’t really attach to them as real people. It wasn’t realistic to me. Anthony was the opposite of his dad, and the MC was almost worse than Anthony. Naw, the other way around, I think. Anthony was worse than the MC. They couldn’t seem to think straight. It just drove me a bit insane, I guess. *shrug*
You could use more description, I think. Considering the time period, there’re a few cultural things you could write about. Description can be as simple as adding an adjective!
Watch out for your commas. They were a bit distracting for me, finding them in the wrong spots or just unnecessary ones here and there. I’m a kind of grammar nut, though, so it’s always distracting for me. ^_^
Good luck in the contest! You’ll do great; I know it!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks KJ I appreciate the critique...I'll surely fix this.
Hello. Just wanted to point a few things out.
You often end these types of sentences with periods. Try a few commas.
Again, would be better with a comma.
Doesn't need to be a return after continued.
Would be better as something like: "We can leave together, Marie. I want to be with you forever.. I never want to leave you... never... I'm so sorry Marie..." he managed to say through his tears.
No offense or anything, but this line has been used quite a bit. Try a differnt joke or something. But I like the attempt at lightness.
I don't like more than one exclamation point. It looks... dumb, I guess.
Why is she angry? I would have thought she'd be desperate. Oh, and you did the exclamation point thing again.
It's kind of obvious that he's looking for her hand. You should cut that.
Should do this after she passes out:
Something struck my head any everything went black.
*
When I opened my eyes...
Exclamation points again. And sadly isn't the right word...
Should probably say the white-wigged man, considering you've already mentioned him.
Would be better if you cut this: I replied, tears filling my eyes. And put it as this: Tears filled my eyes.
Why would they behead her if she's been proven not to be a witch? And how would she even survive burning alive? Should just cut it after he says she will be set afire.
Exclamation points.
Would be better as something like: "Silence Anthony! You must understand that this is for the good of Massachusetts, and also for your own." His father said angrily.
Would be better, instead of saying Anthony yelled crying, to just say: he cried.
Be better as something like: I realized that this was going to be the last time I would feel rain. The prospect frightened me, and I lowered my head.
I realized that Anthony was humming that lullaby, but you didn't make it clear.
Would be better as something like: Anthony began to approach the platform, his eyes full of pain. The two men that were posted on either side of the platform tried to stop him from getting onto the platform. To my surprise, Judge Lewis ordered them to stand down.
Say the word face too much.
Comma instead of period. And the reader knows that this is Anthony speaking, so you should replace his name with he.
I didn't exactly like this sentence, but if you want to keep it it would be better as something like: His breath tickled my face. I was going to miss that sensation.
Period instead of comma.
You should shorten this. After all, I'm sure some of the people are impatient to see the burning, and I'm not sure the Judge would be willing to sit through this little speech. Would be better as something like: "Anthony, don't worry. God will be with me as I stand here and look into the eyes of my murderers. He will be with me as I am devoured by the flames of injustice." My words were softly spoken, and tears fell from my eyes.
All in all, I really liked it. I like the sad stories. Keep writing.
Thanks Sokool. I was thinking about the Salem witch trials when I was writing this which I think happened to Massachusetts...I'm taking U.S. and all the location details are a bit fussy. Well anyways, I thought it would be cool to write from a victim's point of view. I'll think about an alternative happy ending because I'm not a fan of sad endings myself...but because I started off with Marie's last speech when I was writing this, it kind of had to turn out the way it did.
Oh my goodness, Angel, that was so sad! Was it about the witch hunts in Massechusetts, or was it just a fiction type thing? Either way, a brilliant work. But so sad!!! You should write an alternate ending for those of us who like to smile...
I don't have any critiques, really, other than that I love your style, and you perfectly captured the way she was wrapped in her own thoughts and love, and faith in God, and she didn't really fear death much anymore.
Also, did you mean to say 'cackling' when you were describing the fire, or did you mean "crackling"?
Yours always,
~Mademosielle Kool